“…the hero journey involves giving up where you are, going into the realm of adventure, coming to some kind of symbolically rendered realization, and then returning to the field of normal life.” ~Joseph Campbell

I am writing this mostly to the clinical experts who work in and study post-separation and divorce family harm, but also to the adult alienated children who found their way back to a parent on their own, and to the targeted parents still standing in that doorway, faithful. I feel all three are so needed here.

I am only a Maine mom with lived experience, not a professional. I draw on insights from several leading experts working in this specific space. Their work gave me language for things I felt long before I had words for them. This post grew out of an appreciation for it.

A map for uncharted territory: A question for the clinicians

So much has been written, with real care, about what happened to a child, and what it did to the parent who was cut off, including the domestic violence coercive control they lived through.

What I can’t seem to find is a map, something detailed and sequenced for what happens next. Not general encouragement, but an actual guide a competent therapist could follow with a family, built specifically for when an adult alienated child returns on their own to their targeted parent, just two people with this specific kind of history between them.

Some experts in this space offer great wisdom for this moment: meet the adult child where they are, and allow them to find their own voice. I wholly believe this, too. I understand how important this is and how powerfully healing it would be for a child. But a stance is not quite a plan, and so I’m left wondering what a plan would look like in your expert hands, in your office, with real families sitting in front of you. If one exists, I would be grateful to know where it is. If it doesn’t yet, will you build it? I don’t feel there is anyone better suited for the task. As a targeted parent, faithful to reconnecting with my now adult daughter one day, I want to avoid stepping on landmines.

Questions for the adult children who found their way home

If you lived through this harm and found your way back to your targeted parent, I think you hold some of the most important knowledge on this subject.

You know what it actually felt like when your parent met you; hopefully it was gentle and grounded, whether that helped or felt like something was still missing. You know whether silence about the past helped you find your voice again or left something unspoken that needed saying. You know what made you feel safe enough to stay, and what the things were that almost made you want to leave again.

If you’re willing to share some of that, I feel it would be a genuine gift, not just to your own parent, but to every family still standing in that doorway. What worked? What didn’t? What do you wish someone had told your parent beforehand, or told you?

Questions for the targeted parents

To the targeted parents reading this, including those still waiting: I know firsthand that you’ve often had to carry your own healing alone and quietly, in individual therapy, and perhaps with support from others who understand. I don’t think that should be the whole of it. You deserve professional guidance built for this moment, too, not just encouragement to be patient and wait, but real support for your own grief while trying to be present and steady for your child.

This is true for me too. I hold faith that my own adult daughter will return, and I use this time to do my own healing work, to find steadier emotional footing, so that when that day comes, I’ll meet her from a settled place rather than a raw one. But I want more than my own readiness. I want to know if something is already in place for us to work through together, rather than two people doing their best on their own and with no insightful support. Faith and the need for clinical guidance don’t pull against each other. I think the faith is part of why the guidance matters so much.

And if you’re a targeted parent whose adult alienated child has already come home and stayed, I am asking you similar questions. What helped? What would you take back? What did you learn about being patient without disappearing, or honest without pushing your child away again?

One trauma, carried differently

Much has been said about the harm of this lived experience. The adult alienated child and the targeted parent were hurt by the same perpetrator through the same campaign of abuse. I have questions about this in relation to therapy for the adult alienated child and targeted parent, holding faith that my own daughter will return on her own and when she is ready. I’m already in my own healing journey, and I trust that at some point she will be on hers. That said, if reunification happens, should part of it happen together as well? If they carry a shared experience rather than two wholly distinct and separate ones- meaning one was harmed from the inside, and the other was harmed from the outside, what would a treatment plan look like, if there should or would be one? I’m wondering, and hopeful, do the experts in this space offer guidance that adult alienated children and targeted parents can use?

Putting it together, and gently

I keep thinking that the missing piece here might not be built just by any one of these three groups alone. The clinicians have the training and the frameworks. The reintegrated adult alienated children have the lived truth of what actually helps and what feels most safe for them. The targeted parents have a sense of what they most need to hold onto while they wait and do their own healing work.

I would love for this to be met with sincere openness and kind exchange, though I don’t need any of it to reach me personally for it to matter. I hope it reaches its people in whatever form best fits them: scholarly papers, publications, practice, and training for clinicians; a blog, social media, a video, or a workshop for adult alienated children and targeted parents who have something to offer toward a pathway to family reintegration and recovery. However it travels, I hope it reaches the families who so desperately need it.

With heartfelt care,

A Maine mom

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A small note: this reflects my own understanding, as a mother, through my exploration of this topic. I am a Maine mom with lived experience, not a clinical or legal professional.